Let's Talk About Asexuality
An in-depth interview with a good friend who identifies with the 'A' in LGBTQIAP.
Coming into this interview, I personally knew a fair amount about asexuality, but I figured it's always important to continue learning. I'm sure several of you have come across the word and maybe even know a few asexual people in the community, but there are still so many people who don't quite understand or just don't educate themselves.
To help with that education, I thought it would be best to get more information from someone who actually identifies as asexual. I've conducted this interview with a very close friend of mine named August who gave some interesting insight about their personal experiences, as well as helping end all of those nasty stereotypes that we hear all too often.
Without further ado, here is that interview.
I'd like to start off by asking you how you would define 'asexuality?'
The way that I understand it is asexuality is just not having sexual attraction.
How did you first come across the term asexuality?
I came across it when I learned about demisexuality. Mostly because I learned that they had the same colors of the flag, and I guess demisexuality falls under that—the ace arrow spectrum.
That's when I first learned about it. That wasn't when I first identified with it. It was about two years ago, to give it a time frame.
That actually goes into my next question. How did you come to realize this about yourself?
It's kind of weird because, ya know, in the the 90's and early 2000's when I grew up, you didn't really have access to all these things. For the longest time, you're just thinking "Is this me being weird? Am I just being prudy about it?"
That's really the phrase that was thrown out a lot to me. Where people—girls especially, would be like "Oh, I went out with this guy and I'm going out with this other guy next week."
And I would be like "...sure, I guess."
Then they'd ask me these questions like "You're not into that? You don't think about sex?"
And I would be like "not really."
And they'd say "Well, maybe you're prudy. Maybe you just haven't found the right guy."
That's sort of how that happened. So, I guess in a way I kind of knew that about myself, but I wasn't able to put a label on it until about two years ago because that's when I really understood it.
Little did they know that you would never find the "right guy" since you are exclusively into women, but it still applies. You aren't interested in the sexual aspect of a relationship with a woman?
Nope. It's just not something that is interesting to me. I can imagine people—ya know, it's the human body. If you touch it the right way, you get aroused. That sort of thing. But it's not a feeling that I look for. It's there if I wanted it, but I don't really want it. It's like... eh.
Can you give me a few of the common misconceptions about asexuality so we can finally destroy those stereotypes?
A common misconception I would say is that people think you're being prudish, that you're being too picky. Another one, this kind of falls in line with bisexuality, is that they say "You're just confused. You just don't really understand it." Then there's always that line "How could you judge it, if you've never really had it?"
There are people who do identify as asexual and they've never had sex. You could say the same thing about someone who identifies as gay. Maybe he's never had sex with a woman, but he still identifies as gay. It's that sort of logic.
People just kind of... don't get it.
Why do you think it's so hard for people to grasp?
Oh god, where do I start?
Well, I think it's just hard for people to grasp because society is so ruled by sex that it just seems improbable for somebody to not be interested in it. People expect you to have sex. They expect you to masturbate and fiddle around, or whatever.
And when you don't, they're just so baffled. They think everyone loves sex. There's also this other misconception that you're not really in love with someone if you don't have sex.
For anyone who has more than three brain cells: sex isn't required for romance.
You can fall in love with someone without ever having sex. That doesn't mean that you never touch them. You can cuddle and get a hug and kiss, diddle around or whatever. Full on sex is not required.
It's just not true that you have to have sex to be in love. People would bring up sometimes that you have relationships with people close to you, but you don't have sex with them. Like, do you have to have sex with your friends in order to have a relationship with them? No, they're strictly your friends, but you still have some sort of relationship.
People just have this idea that sex is all that matters. Sort of like, back in the day when they'd say you're not really family if you don't have kids. Or, you're not worth anything if you're not married. It's that sort of idea where you have to procreate in one way or another to be considered legit.
And I don't think that's true.
That's probably why it's so hard for people to come out as asexual.
It's difficult in the sense that because it's just a way that you prefer your relationships, it's not taken as seriously as coming out as, say, gay or lesbian.
It's starting to become this trend, people coming out as ace because it's 'convenient.' It's kind of seen as this convenient tag for people who haven't had sex yet. It's just very hard because people don't seem to understand it or take it seriously.
What advice would you have for someone who isn't quite sure if they are asexual or just doesn't know how to go about telling others?
I would just say that if it's something that you really identify with at the moment, just kind of go with it. Don't be afraid. At the end of the day, it's not really the same as coming out in terms of your sexual orientation. It's really not—it's comparing apples to oranges.
But at the same time, it's important to you. It sets your boundaries in terms of sex and it sets your boundaries in terms of consent. And asexuality does have a spectrum. There are people who think it's just nothing, but there are those who are like, yeah, I'll make out with you, but no penetration. That could be considered asexual, which is sort of where I fall.
And if you're afraid of your mind changing, then that's okay too. We're not stagnant creatures. We're not people who decide something and stick with it for the rest of our lives.
I remember in high school, I identified as bisexual and here I am now, full-blown lesbian.
The best advice I can give anybody, regardless of what they're coming out as, is don't be afraid. Do what makes you happy. Don't do it for anyone else, because at the end of the day, they're not the ones in control of your body. It's you.
Thank you so much for your time. That is all of my questions. I guess, I could just ask for a closing statement or any additional comments?
Just, people are gate-keeping all the time and they need to stop doing that. People will always see it as a trend because they see now that so many people are coming out as ace.
And it should be okay!
When I was in high school, I barely understood the LGBTQ+ community. Growing up, I found all these new labels and I kept taking a million of them. Even if I took some of them back, it's because it was there—it was available.
So, I think people should just let people experiment and figure it out. Like, if you identify as demisexual one day and the next day you think, never mind, then that's fine. Just do what you do. Stop gate-keeping!
We just need to support each other.
I hope this interview was successful in helping you understand a little bit more about what it means to be asexual. Of course, this interview reflected the perspective of one asexual person and others may define it a bit differently.
Hopefully, people can be more open about asexuality and it can get the representation it deserves. Honestly, I don't know of many examples of asexual public figures or asexual characters in the media. This is something that I would love to fix and I am working to create more representation for all members of the queer community in my stories.
I hope to give people more of an understanding for each part of the LGBTQIAP and I encourage everyone to ask questions and do your research.
My first interview in this series was done in late 2016 for the Odyssey Online. In that specific interview, I talked to another close friend who identifies as pansexual. Here's a link for you to check that out:
I have so much planned for this wonderful pride month and I hope to get back into my regular posting schedule. I've updated my Playlist of the Week section, so check it out if you want some cool music and I'll make sure to have a new one each week for this month!
Until next time,
~ Happy #20GAYTEEN ~