Level 26 No Power-Ups No Cheat Codes
I started writing this at around 2 in the morning on my 26th birthday. I ordered Mexican food from my favorite place and decided to listen to the Paramore song "26" on repeat.
I didn't get too much written down—just a few random late-night thoughts about growing up and being sad, or something along those lines. Nothing significant.
Then I passed the fuck out because I had to get some sort of rest before I stole all of the undeserved attention for the day.
There's a good chance that I'm in a better head-space right now, but with me there's really no way to tell. All I know is that if I don't get this out right now, who knows how long it'll be before I resurface to complain about the mundane happenings of my life?
Speaking of... hey, it's been a while.
It's starting to feel like my new catchphrase might be "it's been a while" because I've said that for the past several blog entries due to my long vanishing periods.
I would like to apologize, but I won't. Sometimes I feel that it's necessary to apologize for an absence, but I don't think I have anything to apologize for at this time.
This platform is always at the back of my mind, but I think the extended break periods have helped me gather my thoughts and I think I've grown enough to know that the words I do choose to use will always hold some sort of importance, regardless of how often I use them.
Alright, we got too deep too fast. Let's cover the basics first.
This year has been a shit show. 2020, if you needed clarification.
I was hopeful that this year would turn into something special. A new friend of mine recently pointed out how positive my last blog post was in relation to 2020 and then, well, everything happened.
To be fair, 2019 ended better than it began. Last year was a dark year. I had two of my greatest depressions and I was stuck in a really horrible place, both mentally and physically.
I've already been through the bulk of this information, so I'll skip to the end of the year. I was living in a new place and I had new plans for my life. All of this is still present, but it just feels great to envision it and finally check something off of my list. I was finally free and I had a new journey to look forward to.
Of course, certain things have to happen in order for the plans to work. The friend with whom I'm sharing these plans with had to go on ahead and get things ready before I make my grand entrance. It was hard to separate, but it hurt less because I knew it was only temporary.
Another thing that wasn't so easy was losing some of my free time to work. I had to get a second job to start saving up and I know it'll be worth it in the end, but there were times when I felt overwhelmed.
Aside from all of that, things started out pretty awesome. My friends and I found some cool new places to frequent and we'd eventually have a set schedule for activities. There was a night for trivia and karaoke. We had time to gather for Dungeons and Dragons. Occasionally, there would be board game nights or Super Smash Bros. nights.
It was nice and it was my main driving force for getting up in the morning. I had mentioned in my previous entry that being able to look forward to something is huge and that's what my life was. For once, it was something to look forward to.
Then things changed... but honestly not by much.
Corona made itself very known and things started to shut down. Soon, the routine that I was excited about was gone. I couldn't go certain places and I couldn't see certain people.
When California officially got the closing orders, I knew that there was one place I needed to be, and that was with friends. It's not that I didn't care about my roommates, but if I was doomed to be stuck inside with select individuals while the world ends, I figured why not be stuck with the people I care about most in the world?
So, I did that.
And let me tell you, it has been an experience. Don't get me wrong, I love these people to death, but these past few months have not been easy.
I remember as a kid I wished that I'd lived on the same street as all of my friends so I could see them everyday and hangout all the time. Young me didn't know what that actually meant, so let's say that I was lucky that it never actually happened.
However, adult me is currently experiencing something similar. I get to see my friends every single day in a tiny one bedroom apartment with almost no privacy, and the added weight of so many different emotions and personalities.
We managed to get this far, but it was a lot. To be honest, I wouldn't have done it any other way.
If I was stuck where I was a year ago during all of this, then I'm sad to say I wouldn't be here. And I mean that in the most serious way possible. I was incredibly unhappy in that situation and if I was forced to be stuck in that place at the time of Corona, I would've ended up taking my own life and it's hard to admit that, but it's my truth and I'm glad to say that I am in a much better place now. I'm incredibly fortunate that things didn't pan out that way.
I'm happy to be alive for the first time in a long time, and that's something to celebrate.
Alright, before I get all sappy and emotional like I usually do, let's discuss my recent aging.
I'm reached level 26!
Surprisingly, it doesn't mean too much to me. I mean, I always celebrate my Level Up Day, but this year is the first time that I'm indifferent about getting older. A lot of people act like growing up is the end of the world and I couldn't be more content to be closer to 30.
Sure, I know things don't just magically click and make sense when you reach level 30, but it'll definitely give me more time to figure things out and fall apart and fuck things up and lose myself and then find myself again.
And 25 wasn't bad. It started off with the second half of my Great Depression, but then things got better and then they got confusing and then better again and stayed on the upswing for quite a bit. However, the last part of it consisted of me being ordered to stay home, and I've already talked about most of my experience with that.
In addition, I lost a family member early into quarantine—my grandfather who I wasn't extremely close to, but it still felt like a piece of me was ripped away. It was difficult to get a ceremony going since it was right in the early stages of social distancing, but we managed. I got to reconnect with a few family members, but that was the bulk of it.
My grandmother hasn't been the same since, but she has a form of support. My mother is over there most of the week, making sure she knows she has a shoulder to cry on.
When my mother isn't busy holding my grandmother together, I get a chance to see her every so often. Seeing her for even the smallest amount of time is always great, but almost every instance that we meet up, I'm reminded of why I needed to get away from the toxic situation that is her household.
All in all, 2020 has been both uneventful and extremely eventful. There's an evil virus trying to murder everyone, there are evil cops trying to murder black people, there was an evil fire trying to murder all of Australia and at some point there were murder hornets who wanted to murder bees and well, everyone.
Interestingly enough, I keep thinking back to a conversation I had with a co-worker of mine in February. She was discussing the recent event which was Kobe Bryant's death. She was confused by it. She kept repeating "this wasn't supposed to happen, somebody fucked up somewhere."
And although she was known for saying some weird ass shit, I kind of think she was onto something. Things haven't really been the same since his death. It kind of feels like we're in an alternate state of reality. I'm not saying that I entirely believe in this idea, but it doesn't not make sense...
To keep things on a more positive note, I've recently received a major wave of creativity. I've been chipping away at certain stories. There's one that I've been writing online for a bit that I want to share soon and think I know what my next book is going to be, so I've been planning that out as well.
I will also be starting a podcast very soon. I got the idea after writing one of my favorite pieces last year. It was a conversation with a friend that ended up being one of my favorite things ever. It was natural, it was informative, it was personal, it was real. I would love to have more conversations like that, specifically spotlighting more queer and BIPOC voices. If you missed the article, here's the link:
With all of that, fingers crossed that I get to post on here a bit more. This entry alone is a big step forward.
I figured why not use all of the free time I have for something good and something that'll help to further my creative output?
So, that's kind of where I am right now. Level 26, working on lots of projects and saving up for life plans.
I miss writing on here and I have so many drafts of things that I wanted to upload, especially to commemorate the end of the last decade. I mean, I could still release them. I'm all for declaring that 2020 isn't actually happening and that it's still the end of 2019...
We'll see what I decide to do.
Thanks for tuning in, honestly. It means the world that I still have support despite my inconsistency.
Oh, and before I go, Playlist Of The Week has been updated with some of the things I've had on repeat lately. I love making playlists, so I will definitely be adding new stuff to that section more frequently.
Until next time.