Goodbye 20GayTeen, Hello 20BiTeen!

As the year draws to a close, I wanted to do a little reflection on the past 365 days. To look back on the good times, the bad times, the mistakes, the accomplishments—ya know, end the year the right way.

I also wanted to discuss my plans for the upcoming year. And be warned, I have a lot. I'm already pre-stressing over all of the things that I want to do, but that's honestly just who I am. I want to do so many things. I want to feel accomplished, and I know that everyone has a different way of measuring their own success, and I put so much pressure on myself and that's definitely something I need to tackle next year. Simply being satisfied with the things I accomplish, regardless of the number of things I accomplish.

This year, however, so many things happened. I don't think it would make sense to go month by month, but for now, I'll start with the beginning of the year.

First of all, this year was 20GayTeen, a huge year of gay representation and visibility. Even though, it was just a word, it sparked something within me. I felt strong and safe and seen. Well, for the most part. Everywhere except for my own home—partly why I made it a point to not be home as much as possible.

I started a new job, and I honestly love it. It's interesting and unique and sometimes lonely. It took a while, but I've met some people who would make me feel less alone. The loneliness extended beyond that, but we're not quite there yet.

When going into the new year, I will actually be looking for a second job, because even though I've had fun at my current workplace, the hours aren't exactly desirable and I'm hoping to make some big steps this next year. I've looked into my options for moving out. Nothing is set in stone yet, but I've talked to some people and I am staying optimistic on that front.

Aside from that, I had huge year in music. I attended 22 concerts and have memories from each one. There was a lot of good music to be released and through all of that I was able to make new connections with people, whether it be in person or online. These were some of the relationships that kept me going. I probably didn't let them know how much they really meant to me, but they were vital to my survival during the year.

Of course, it sounds like I'm making the entire year out to be sad and lonely, and that is simply not the case. I had a great year in comparison to the last couple of the years. I would definitely say that I favored this year a bit more.

In other news, I was able to go a few places, do things I hadn't done before, reconnect with friends and even complete a major project. Let's start with that.

I know I've probably mentioned it a million times already (and it's technically not something entirely different from what I've done before). I've finished several writing projects dating back to elementary school. I even wrote a somewhat popular trilogy on Wattpad a few years back. However, this is my first official manuscript. Like, one, that I actually want to share with the world in book form.

So, I finished a novel that I really thought I wouldn't. I have that writing curse. The one where at any given moment, you have about seven or eight different story ideas in your head and they're all cool and amazing and you want each of them to happen. Then, out of nowhere you get a new one and you expand upon that one and it becomes your everything until another one comes along, or you realize you were neglecting a different idea. It's horrible. It's an endless maze. I swear, my mind is one of the worst places to be.

But I did it. I finished a novel I started in like March or April, then kind of pushed aside for most of the summer, and finally ended on October 31st. I've also completely finished editing and polishing it. I feel comfortable enough to have it out there for potential agents and publishers, so I've started doing that. As the new year approaches I will continue to submit my manuscript and honestly, getting an agent or publisher contract, or even having the book published by this time next year would make the entire year for me.

Of course, when doing that, I can't just sit around and wait. I need to keep writing. I have a few story ideas swimming around, like I've mentioned, but I have narrowed it down to three. Soon, I'll have decided what I want to do for my next book and I'll also work to finish that one by the end of the next year.

Heads up, these other ideas are a far cry from my first novel. The book I just finished was something I felt I needed to write. It was vital. It focuses on mental illness, specifically depression and it opens the conversation on topics like suicide and body positivity. It's way different from the future fantasy/paranormal 3+ book series' that I want to write. Like everyone else, I'm incredibly fascinated by the idea of magic and demons and shit like that.

But for myself, I just felt like I needed to get this more serious, more personal book out of the way. Not to say that I don't find anything personal about the other ideas. I have told people many times that thing I strive for most is representation. All of my main characters will be queer people of color and that's all there is to it. I don't think I'm asking for too much.

In other writing news, you've all witnessed my many attempts to update this blog as often as possible. I don't think I did too horrible. I tried, I really tried and I think put out some good content. If anything, I wanted my writing to speak to others, and I've heard back from many people who told me that they felt what I was saying and that's honestly all I can ask for.

Next year, I have a lot planned and very soon. I have music reviews, specifically more album and concert reviews planned. I also wanted to focus on San Diego artists—not just music, but several types of local artists who deserve recognition. I'll be talking to a few local artists I know, and I'm also open to recommendations. If any of my readers know anyone who would love to be featured, then feel free to contact me.

One last thing about my blog—the Ten Years series. I completely plan on continuing it, just not immediately. I was in love with the concept and I had so many great ideas planned around it, but I just couldn't find the time. I have a few things I'd like to do before the next Ten Years post, but I am very excited to get back to work on that. So, stay tuned!

Going back to the current year, I got to do a lot of exploring. The few trips to LA for concerts and to visit a good friend of mine, really helped me. Other than that, I got to take a trip to Vegas, I went on a cruise and I visited an old friend in Chicago.

I'm not one to take too many trips. Not, for lack of interest, but lack of funds. The only trip I had in 2017 was to San Francisco, which was enjoyable and I'd want to go back—this time on plane. And I think that's what sparked my interest in seeking what else was out there. Maybe 20BiTeen can be a year for adventure and everything that that would mean.

Aside from the great times and accomplishments of this year and hopes for the new year, there was also a huge rough patch for me. This is where we finally get to the loneliness. It was a hard year for me at the beginning and honestly, through the middle.

I hadn't told too many people about this, and I think a part of me was still in denial that it was happening, but I'm done pretending. It's time for me to talk about this. I need to talk about it.

My friends abandoned me.

Like, for real. Poof—they were gone. Just like that.

They left me and a few others out on our own. There were so many of us. A large group. 13, 14 maybe. And then, out of nowhere, a group of 5 formed their own group—we call them the "hierarchy," because they clearly felt like we weren't good enough for them. They would continuously hang out without us. On the same exact day too. They would claim "it just happened."

Really? It just happened? You just happened to meet up on the same day at the same time every single week?

Shit. The concept of time is fucking shook.

They would tell us things like that whenever we used to have the whole group together. If we were playing a game, they'd mention how they had already played it the week before. Then, one of us outsiders would mention that we didn't know about it. Then, a hierarchy member would give the iconic line "We didn't know everyone's schedule."

Well, Rebecca, you could've asked.

And I would say that to them, and they would shrug and change the subject.

At some point, the large gatherings ended and so did the friendships, basically. It was like having part-time friends. It's supposed to be a two-way street, but I haven't heard from any of them. One of them even told me that she didn't text anyone. They had to text her. She doesn't text people first. She said that to my face.

So, theoretically, if I never texted her... we wouldn't speak again. And she'd be okay with that? Well, we haven't talked, so there's my answer.

You know what? It used to bother me so much, but now, it doesn't. There were so many problems in our friendships. It was dying. Actually, it could've been dead a while ago. I used to be afraid to let go of something. Especially, if there was such a long history.

But some people just aren't worth it. Some people don't need to be in your life forever. And that doesn't mean that every moment was a mistake. We had incredible times. They used to be the most important people in my life and I don't regret knowing them.

But it's over. And I need to leave them in the past. I don't need them anymore. It is done.

I am done.

And then there was the boy I used to love. The one who I fell so dangerously hard for. The one who knew me and shared things with me. The one who liked me for me. The one with so much history. The one who I was too chicken shit to tell how I felt when I had my opportunity. The one.

Well, if I believed in the concept of the 'the one.' Which I don't. But I did believe in how I felt for him. And I know he felt the same way. At this point, there is no denying it. The signs were obvious and I just wished I went for it when I had the chance. It frustrates me to have this clarity now, of all times. Because it's meaningless.

He disappeared out of my life. Like, actually. I didn't realize it until a friend helped analyze the situation with me. He ghosted me. I was ghosted... or whatever the kids say. So, in addition to the hierarchy, he also contributed to my loneliness. Now, I officially haven't heard from him in over a year. End of 2017 was the last time we had a conversation—if you could call it that.

And now he means nothing. He means less than nothing. I had done an amazing job of clearing him from my head over the year and now I can say I don't care enough about him anymore. It's finally time to let him, and my feelings for him go.

Rest in fucking pieces.

So, that's how my year felt like when it came to friendship. Luckily, I was able to connect with another friend. Someone who was also pushed out by the hierarchy. In fact, being shunned pulled us closer. We went places, we attended concerts and we even made new friends. Friends who saved me.

I reconnected with someone else at Pride this year. Someone I met a show in 2017. We exchanged Instas and then never spoke again, despite saying we would. We ran into each other before JoJo's performance at Pride. A performance that me and my friend were considering not going to since we did see her the year before and we were kind of tired.

But luckily, we went. And we ran into our friend, and she had a friend with her and we all hung out after and would actually keep in contact and it honestly meant the world to me. It made me feel less lonely. I owe everything to them. If I hadn't been in that specific place at that specific time, my year would've ended differently.

And now I feel loved and seen and there are so many people who have made me feel this way and for all of you I am thankful. And that's why I feel the way I feel. I've found my worth. I feel unstoppable. I feel excited. I feel like everything will be alright and that the next year will be even better.

Thanks for joining in on my little rant. It was a bit longer than anticipated, but it was necessary. I promise more content is to come next year! I hope everyone has a Happy New Year!

See you soon!

- R

And for the last time... Happy 20GayTeen!

But more importantly.... Happy 20BiTeen!