Oh, What A Year

So, it's been a while. We've spent some time apart. I want to apologize for my absence, but all I can really say is... thanks.

You don't even know how much I needed this — how much I needed to get away and fuck things up and then try to get my shit together and figure everything out.

Of course, not everything's been figured out, but knowing more things is better than knowing nothing.

Alright, let's not get all philosophical here. Why don't I tell you a little about my year.

I originally stopped updating because the deadlines and the pressure I was putting on myself might have actually been killing me. I spoke a bit about this in March when I posted one of my last blog entries. That was after I ran away to an island for a bit to catch my breath. Taking a break from this blog was always intended, I just didn't mean for it to be so long.

Most of the year flew by without my ranting about some social issue or forcing my new favorite artists down your throat — things we've all missed, I'm sure.

Luckily, I never stopped writing. I've worked on a few of my stories here and there. It was nice to dive back into that part of my creativity, if even for a second.

In addition, I was recruited to write for a music streaming service. I posted an update on that about halfway through the year, mostly because they needed me to get the word out there, but also because I needed everyone to know that I still existed. It was a lot of fun, actually. I even got paid per article, which made me feel like a real writer.

Okay, I know I'm already a real writer, but this particular experience made me feel like I was a real real writer, ya know?

They actually found me through one of my posts on here from last year. I started writing reviews, or what they called "Narratives" regarding albums that I liked or could not stand. It ended after a while, as most start-ups always seem to spread themselves too thin and spend more money than they should in their first year, but it meant a lot that I was chosen to be a part of it.

Aside from that, I tried to defeat my loneliness by doing all of the social things. I went on quite a few dates this year. I met some people, and figured out a few things about myself emotionally, physically, even sexually. It's been a year of small discoveries.

I also turned 25 and immediately after it I had one of the worst months of my life. Funny enough, it wasn't related to me aging. Youth is important to me, but 25 isn't old and we need to stop acting like it's the end of the world. If anything, my back hurts just a tiny bit more, but I sleep weird so that's a completely separate issue.

Now, you all may not know that one of my greatest superpowers is over-stressing and assuming that the worst will happen. A lot was changing around that time, and there was so much uncertainty. It was hard to be hopeful and stay strong, but I managed to make it through and I have the people in my life to thank for that.

Y'all don't understand how important friendship is. I'm about to start sounding like a goddamn Disney Channel show, but having friends to go to in a crisis is absolutely crucial. I also believe that it's crucial to tell them that you care about them every once in a while.

It should honestly just be a normal thing. Complimenting and sharing nice remarks with the people you cherish should be normalized. Sure, sometimes you just know and understand that someone enjoys your company, but hearing it and being told that you're appreciated is one of the greatest feelings and it really makes you feel like less of a burden.

Which was another dark time in the year.

I had successfully convinced myself that nobody liked me and that was a huge headache for everyone involved. I had to be sat down on multiple occasions by different people telling me that my friends truly enjoyed being around me and that nobody could hate me.

It took a long time to finally believe that, but since then, I've been feeling so good about myself. I've had a strange confidence boost and I think it's a wonderful way to end one of my darkest years.

Along with all of the sadness and despair, I also started a new job this year — different than anything I've ever done before, which is good and bad. I've met some people who see so much potential in me and make me feel like I can do anything, but when I'm alone I get so bored that my mind goes to the darkest places. It's not the greatest thing ever, but it pays more... so, there's a slight silver lining.

I guess some things never change. I can't seem to find happiness in my day jobs and that's fine. I think it all comes down to my goals. Once I start to do what I love more professionally, I might find some sort of light, but regardless, work is work.

I had this conversation with a friend of mine the other day. You know the cliché "if you do what you love, then you never work a day in your life" or however it goes? My friend mentioned that she loved what she did, but there are days when it feels like so much work, and that's understandable. It's also realistic. This one thing won't give you everything you've ever desired and it especially won't fix your depression or dark thoughts, but it helps to have something to look forward to.

It's a good idea to always a have goal, no matter how big or small. Maybe you could have a goal for the day, or for the month. Anything. Looking forward to something is honestly what gets me through the day and keeps me going for even the tiniest bit longer. I look forward to sharing my books and ideas with the world once I'm finally published. I look forward to new video game and music releases. I look forward to connecting with friends after a short while. I look forward to finding my place in the world, and that last one is incredibly important to me right now.

This year I took some of the biggest steps I've ever taken. I moved out, like officially. I'm out of my mother's place. It only took 25 years, but I did it. And I now understand why people hate moving so much. It's such a hassle and there's just so much more added bullshit.

Next year I'll be taking a bigger step into finding my place. There are plans to move out of state by the end of the 2020, hopefully sooner, and they will happen and they're honestly all I can think about. For those who've known me for a longer time, I've always talked about getting out. San Diego isn't the place for me. It's never been.

I've seen everything and I know everyone and I have so many memories, but it's time for me to finally go. It's funny, I used to tell my friends in high school that right after graduation I was gonna run away to New York or some place far. Nobody seemed to doubt my ability to do that.

It didn't happen, clearly.

Who knows how different my life would be if I would've gone through with it?

Actually... that's not important. There's no use in wondering what would've been. We don't get do-overs. So, it's time to look toward the future and I'm excited to explore and get out of my comfort zone with the help of a friend. I'll make sure to chronicle those adventure once we get to that chapter in my life, but we're here right now.

And there's so much to say, so much to discuss and at this point it is vital for me to continue to use this outlet. There are still so many points I want to tackle and so many people I need to talk to around here. I want something to show for my last few months or however long I'm in San Diego. My work here is far from done.

Expect a few more posts (mostly music related) before the end of the year... and then it's 2020? I just can't believe it's already gonna be a new decade. I've done well to not over-stress myself with deadlines and random article ideas for next year. I guess, let's just finish 2019 strong, okay? We'll see what happens in 2020 once we get there.

See you soon.