My Daily Fight With Depression
National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1 (800) 273 - 8255
September 10th is World Suicide Prevention Day, so I decided that my subject matter for today's article should revolve around that. This issue is something important that not only affects me, but so many individuals in the world.
My struggles with depression and suicide are something I've only shared here and there, with certain people, and I think that's a huge point in the overall conversation. The fact that this is something that less and less people decide to share with each other.
In the span of a day, I've actually had two different people talk to me about mental illness. It was just very interesting to me that they felt safe enough to divulge these feelings and that to them I provided the kind of trust where they felt comfortable enough to let me in on what was going on in their lives.
It made me think about how much better things would be if people opened their hearts and created a judgement-free environment.
That's how it should be.
Unfortunately, not all of us are lucky to come across people like that. Growing up, I never had anyone to talk to about how I was feeling. My relatives weren't really into feelings, especially when boys had them.
I was constantly referred to as a "cry baby" and nobody seemed to understand whenever I wanted to have real conversations about how I felt.
I had to bottle pretty much everything up about myself at home. I didn't come out until I was an adult, and I lived in a Christian household, but I'm not here to dump on religious practices. There may have been a time where I thought I believed, but ultimately there are a lot of things I disagreed with in the faith. My mom still faithfully goes to church and I've just distanced myself.
I've been told many times that I am accepted, but sometimes I hear my mom say things to other people or act a certain way. It's the same with many of my other relatives. Since coming out, I feel somewhat further from them. Not to say that coming out isn't a good thing. I strongly encourage it, but I also know it takes time, and sometimes it isn't safe. I support everyone's decision—I've been there.
Going back to the church thing, I understand that as a queer person, you can still be a believer, but it gets really hard. I remember telling some of my friends in youth group and I only knew a few who were truly supportive and understood, but I'd rarely get to see them. There was one girl that I remembered would judge me for it, going out of her way to let me know that it was a sin, but saying she wouldn't tell anyone.
She was consistent, at least. As far as I knew, she never told my secret. But that was another part of it—the fact that it had to be a secret. It made me feel like I was doing something illegal or dangerous and that I deserved punishment.
Needless to say, that's how a lot of queer folks feel. Suicide rates are much higher for us and not everyone's story is the same as mine, but we've all dealt with people like that. Thetrevorproject.org provides a lot of information and statistics.
Some facts include:
- Queer youth seriously contemplate suicide at almost three times the rate of heterosexual youth
- Queer youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth
- In a national study, 40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt. 92% of these individuals reported having attempted suicide before the age of 25
More information can be found here: https://www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/#sm.000006lkoe1z2ifcqw0wyibzbbn0n
To be honest—for me—high school wasn't the worst experience I've had overall. There was a lot of drama (both on stage and off), a lot of heartbreak and a couple of times I didn't want to exist anymore.
My depression probably worsened as I got older. There were more times I wished I was dead as an adult as opposed to teenage me. High school—school in general, fooled me into thinking that I had more people than I did.
Seeing the same individuals every single day made it easier to get close to them and make connections for however long you felt like. There were those who I thought I could say anything too, but never once do I ever remember having a conversation about mental illness.
I guess it's understandable seeing as it is a hard subject and it'll always be difficult to share you personal thoughts and feelings with other people due to fear or embarrassment. It still would've been nice to talk to at least one person about it.
In recent years, I've struggled with it the most. I've had times where I felt completely alone and I've had times where I feel entirely supported. I never fully appreciated the times when I had people around me. I always focused on when I didn't and that really took a toll on me.
And don't even get me started on my crush drama in high school.
Being young and falling for someone was always a huge weight. Going to a school with not very many people like me would limit my options. Of course, I'd meet someone every once in a while and I would focus on him and he'd become everything and when he didn't like me back, I would crumble. This happened every single time. I went a long while without any guy seeing me in that way.
This worsened my image problem.
Everyone says looks don't matter, but cut the crap. At that age, so many people focused on the outer appearance of their potential date over who they actually were as a person.
I accepted that I was ugly, that I was too fat, that I was not worthy of love.
But I never really shared that with anyone. It was something I kept inside—something I accepted as true and figured I didn't need a second opinion on. Or feared that if I got one, it would be confirmed.
My openness didn't come until now, I guess.
I've talked about my depression with people close to me and I've been fortunate enough to find friends who not only listen, but completely understand.
Of course, that isn't always the case.
I've tried to be open at home, but nobody really seemed to get it. I get the same questions over and over. "Why are you depressed?" "What do you have to be depressed about?"
These questions are not only hard to answer, but sometimes you don't have the answer, and that's okay. What you are feeling is valid and so many other people feel that way too. You shouldn't be discouraged to speak up and state what you're feeling, but it's fine if you wait and do it on your own time. As long as there is a point where you realize that bottling it up is not helping.
As mentioned, not everyone is as receptive, and that makes it harder to discuss your feelings, but I kept searching, and I found people I could talk to.
I do my best to be approachable and be upfront and provide a safe environment and I hope a lot of other people do that too. You have no idea how many lives you can save by just listening and being there.
That's why I'm doing my best to create more dialogue around depression and suicide and raise awareness in any way possible. The novel I'm currently working on discusses mental illness, mainly anxiety, depression and suicide attempts. It's a work of fiction, but a lot of the main character's experiences are based on what I've been through. It won't be released for a while, but it's important and I hope that when it is out, it helps a lot of people.
(Self promotion aside) Don't worry if these feelings don't go away the next morning. It's a day to day process. Some days you will feel better than ever, and other days you will feel like absolute shit. That's just how it goes. Just know that the good days are coming and the bad days are just that, a day.
I still struggle with every aspect of it. Sometimes I like who I see in the mirror and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I get really lonely and feel like I need someone and other times I realize that I do have friends who love me for me. It's a constant battle and it will never be easy, but I'm still here and that's what's important. I'm not okay, but hopefully someday I will be.
All you need to know is that you are not alone.
I've compiled a list of a few resources for you to receive more information:
Suicide Prevention Lifeline - https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Suicide Prevention Resource Center - https://www.sprc.org/
UP2SD - https://up2sd.org/resources/suicide-prevention-and-support/
World Suicide Prevention Day- https://iasp.info/wspd2018/
World Health Organization - http://www.who.int/mental_health/prevention/suicide/wspd/en/
National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1 (800) 273 - 8255